Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Look at the Swagger (Short Story)


Over the sun-singed grass and heat-cracked asphalt surrounding the halls of academic misery and social awkwardness that accompany the late teenage years of high school, the students gathered noisily and without order into the air-conditioned recesses of the recently remodeled and more recently vandalized Velmer Memorial Auditorium. The malodorous lingerings of Axe Body Spray and cheap perfume delicately mingled with a tincture of booze and pot, resulting in a smell resembling the stale air in an unopened can of sour-cream and onion Pringles.

However, none of the students recognized their own stench as he confidently climbed the auditorium steps to the podium overlooking the collective B.O. of the WestView student body.

Chip Bentley was a dick. His stride toward the lit podium conveyed the confidence and physical prowess which he utilized to condemn his impoverished, less attractive, and more generally un-chill classmates, not to mention, he also suffered from unmitigated sexism and accidental racism.

As he parted his mouth to speak, a young Korean man in the third row named Sung-woo Pak slowly and repetitively traced the name Mike in his notebook because a physical education teacher demanded that he adopt an American name because the PE instructor refused to take the time and learn to pronounce a "durn foreign word," as he put it.

Chuckling silently to himself Dave in the fourteenth row deeply carved "FAG" onto the chair in front of him completing the epitaph with a well defined arrow pointing up to the seats occupant. Dave called everyone a fag; however, he did so only to mask, quite unsuccessfully nonetheless, his own homosexuality.

Josh discreetly slid his cell phone from his deep cargo pocket and silently dialed the keypad, making the pixels on his phones display reveal a young girl, quite undressed and provocative. Although, her breasts were a mere two millimeters in diameter this fact did not stunt Joshs erection in anyway.

Mkingjy-abbib Kazeez, a young African student dubbed Joe by the PE teachers ignorance, thought longingly about the cafeterias chicken sandwiches, which were the most hospitable gift that his new home had offered.

Next to Joe sat Stayne Freedy (pronounced stain but spelled differently). The young freshman was immune to the ridicule (the same could not be said about his friend Freddy Nipple). Stayne sat solemnly, almost non-existent, causing a level of awkwardness in the atmosphere. Stayne typically had something to say, even when he had nothing to say, unfortunately for him he was still in a state of shock from a recent falling out he experienced the night before. For the past week, Stayne had boasted to his young, horny friends about his acquisition of a certain video entitled Girls Gone Wild: Sorority Edition. Stayne broke in the movie the same way most men break in adult movies.on his knees. As he shamefully fucked himself, he forgot the delicate fact that his alcoholic sister had pledged Gamma Phi Beta at a distant state college and was, subsequently, the star of the 4th scene. The scene came when he did.

As Stayne thought about going home sick, an attractive young woman sat in the front row on the verge of tears. Julia always cried. She had a bad habit of driving to school lamenting about her last relationship while listening to Air Supply. Even though her relationship ended two years ago, the love sick senior couldnt get over Dave (gay guy from earlier). She knows, as well as everyone else, that his gayness had to start somewhere and that somewhere was her. She couldnt escape the fact that she was the fabulous straw the broke the gay camels back and caused her a solid decade of emotional problems.

The women at WestView were ungodly gorgeous. This fact did not get past the school principal. His local habits of scoping for young girls on the internet were stunted by NBC. To Catch a Predator, an investigative news program that caught would-be pedophiles on the internet caused the principal to re-think his weekend habits. These wackos needed leadership. Speaking fluently and semi sarcastic, Chip decided that his ability to connect to all of these people made him the perfect voice for all the important issues that happen in a high school.

"This year, each class needs to actually think of a slogan."

Chip was commenting on a very special tradition that happens every year at WestView.

Every year, each class was to think up and vote on a slogan that best represent their class. Suffering from a lack of motivation and a classmate with an ounce of creativity, the sophomore class (now juniors) decided to wear plain white T-Shirts that proudly said nothing. Im being quite literal when I say this. It was a white T-shirt (Fruit of the Loom) anyone could buy at Wal-mart for $2.95. So, every Wednesday (Spirit Day) the sophomore class would proudly wear a plane white t-shirt that signified their complete lack of interest in anything that generates memories..(more to come).

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Top 25 most played songs on my iPod

1. Eddie Walker - Ben Folds Five
2. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
3. This is the Life - Weird Al Yankovich
4. Not the Same - Ben Folds
5. Everything you Know is Wrong - Weird Al Yankovich
6. Neighborhood #2 (Laika) - The Arcade Fire
7. Fired - Ben Folds
8. A Cloud Crashes - Of Montreal
9. Daydream Believer - The Monkees
10. Saint Simon - The Shins
11. I got it From Agnes - Tom Lehrer
12. Waiting is the Hardest Part - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
13. Fred Jones, Part 2 - Ben Folds
14. George Murphy - Tom Lehrer
15. Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright
16. Be Prepared - Tom Lehrer
17. Do you Realize?? - The Flaming Lips
18. All Kinds - Some guy I randomly found on myspace
19. Smut - Tom Lehrer
20. Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
21. It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier - Tom Lehrer
22. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games - Of Montreal
23. Going the Distance - Cake
24. Poisoining Pigeons in the Park - Tom Lehrer
25. Piano Concerto No. 20 (D Minor) - Mozart

What do these songs, as being my most listened, really say about me? Any ideas? Do you think I need to expand my horizons a little bit? I mean, Tom Lehrer is repeated 6 times and Ben Folds 4 times. Nearly half the songs are written by 2 artists. Any other thoughts?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Anatomy of my humor



Here is an example of one of my "work in progress" songs, of which I have many. This song is about a guy who decides to lower his standards in order to end a dryspell of not dating any women. Basically, its just a bunch of "you're ugly" jokes set to music. To make it interesting for at least 2:30 minutes, I had to tell a story from the 1st person point of view.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Stand-Up comedy story

3 years have passed since the very first time I performed stand up comedy. Stand up is much more fun nowadays mainly because people have stopped throwing beer bottles at me....for now. I can remember that first time; I got booed off the stage with beer bottles whizzing all around me.

"You're an asshole! Get off, you're being a fucking jerk!"

Looking back, yeah maybe I was being a little harsh. But in my defense, the joke that everyone got pissed off at was pretty damn funny. If I could re-enact the joke in text form, I would. This, however, would not do the joke much justice and its not really all that funny in print form, I have to act it out.

(If you would like to know what the joke is, message me and I'll, to the best of my ability, explain it through type.)

You can really learn quite a bit about yourself and your poise whenever you have a room full of angry people booing you and throwing glass objects at you. I guess in the long run, I'm glad I got people pissed at me the first time. I wasn't allowed to come back, but I still tried again at different venues. Hopefully, I won't have to deal with an angry mob again. And if I do, I'll know how to handle the situation a little better.

"Yield" signs optional in Missouri....like education


People in Missouri don't seem to grasp the concept of what yielding truly means. If we are in separate lanes and we are merging at the same time and your lane happens to have a yield sign (here is a visual aid to help if you happen to encounter one on the road) then you should consider giving me the right of way, never mind that you can't really "give" something you don't have, but yeah....at least consider it. I think they should put exclamation points on yield signs so people take them seriously.

The yield sign is the high school dropout (or community college graduate) of the road sign family.

"What's that yield sign? You have an opinion about politics? That's adorable! I mean, your opinions really shouldn't be taken seriously because you're a moron who evidently couldn't figure out the intellectual complexities of high school work.....but I'll listen anyways, its just too cute!"

I heard that the fear of cancer in cell phones is making a comeback. I thought they cleared cell phones from the cause (or maybe it was $upre$$ed) but it seems to be making the minor headlines.

I have a problem with this. Mainly because they are saying cell phones cause head cancer, because of the proximity of your head and the cell phone. I don't spend too much time on the phone, so my cell phone spends the majority of its time in my pocket.....my FRONT pocket. This seems to be more scary to me. So here's what I did. I got myself some fishing line. I tied one end to the line to the phone and I tied the other end around my waist. Now, when I'm not using my phone, I just throw it behind me and it follows me around. Everywhere I go, I'm being followed by a cancer causing killing machine, but I feel safe because its closer to everyone else. Remember, things aren't more correct just because you can say them louder.